The Dictator
The whole argument started over the price
of bread. I destroyed a large portion of the race
he wanted to win, and he cried about it and made
some phone calls. I knew right then he
was gonna windshield it all--neuter my dog's left.
It's not that I wanted to rule the ruler,
just the west, a little of the east. But mostly,
I can't see why it was so important to him.
He had his patch, his goodies, I just wanted mine.
Does that sound too demanding? I've been
told I'm a bit demanding.
Well, I sort of put my friends into small groups like
to fool, him, you know, divide and divide, and whatever.
But then, they just got bitchy, kicking around like Nero,
and exactly, Marshall, all that drove the coffin in the nail.
So, anyway, when he came knocking at my door
I took out the revolver, and I ended
the whole thing, quickly and quietly.
I hoped that would settle matters
you know, even-Steven, but it didn't.
Now the first problem I have
with this place is it's hotter than
Greece, and the second problem
is; If you plan on getting a good
near beer, well, then forget it.
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteMy first thought after reading this is that I want to know who is speaking. I'm guessing some historical figure, Castro maybe? I wonder how the poem might read if you didn't have the collective baggage of the title Dictator?
Also, you might want to consider tweaking some of your language to give it a little extra pop. For instance, "rule the ruler" seems a little flat. How else would someone rule?
Your tone rings as very relaxed and informal, which I think could prove interesting. What might Castro, or Nero say to someone close to him without any sense of formality?
It seems also that you utilize some colloquial speech, which makes me think of Billy Collins. It might prove a useful technique, but be sure not to rely on it too much.
I hope some of this helps. You've got some great stuff here.
Attempting to get a surface-level, "what's going on here" reading, I think I understand that the speaker is a would-be dictator whose ambitions ran afoul of a dictator, or mob boss, or someone with enough power and influence to have swatted him down, and now this poor guy is addressing his audience from purgatory, hell, or some variety of unpleasant afterlife. Or maybe he's speaking from a prison, considering the fourth stanza. I may be way off, and it may not matter whether or not a reader can tell what's going on, on a surface-level, at this point, but knowing what some readers may read into it might be helpful to you.
ReplyDeleteUsing "windshield" as a verb is fresh, at least I don't think I've ever seen or heard it anywhere. The opening line piques my interest, makes me want to see what happened, how the argument went. You've hit on some wonderful quirkiness in the last sentence--I'm pretty sure that many people would say that getting a good near beer would prove impossible anywhere. That might be exactly what makes it work, or it might just be that "near beer" is fun to say. As a matter of fact, I like the first sentence in the last stanza too. However, I don't think you need the line break after "than." You could end the line on "Greece" and the surprise would be just as effective, in my opinion.
I had some trouble understanding the first part of the second sentence. How, exactly, did the speaker "destroy a large portion" of this race, and what was the race about, exactly? I get (I think) that it was some sort of political endeavor, or coup attempt, but I'm not yet getting a picture of how the campaign was sabotaged. While "windshield it all" sounds vaguely ominous, it seems like the em dash could be followed by something that clarifies the phrase a little, instead of "neuter my dog's left." Unless this is a slang phrase that a particular group of people (that obviously doesn't include me) would understand, it looks purely decorous and otherwise without purpose.
It seems you're trying to create a speaker with some language ticks, but one "you know" in a poem is probably enough, and the "like" in "like / to fool him, you know" probably needs to go. On the other hand, even though it's so repetitive, I like the way "Does that sound demanding? I've been told I'm a bit demanding" works here. That repetition shows the speaker's nervousness and neediness more effectively than the language ticks, I think. Also, I don't quite understand "quickly and quietly" with a revolver involved. I'm not that familiar with fire arms, but isn't shooting someone a rather noisy business?
Overall, I think you've come up with some wonderfully weird phrases and a hint at an interesting narrative. I just think that the draft needs some more directive hints, hints that give a reader a clearer picture of the story behind the speaker's dramatic monologue. It would also be helpful to include some clues as to whom the speaker addresses these lines.
Hope that helps.