Bells Under Spring
Now the white cloud jumps twice round the rooftop,
like a circular phantom of her last cold breath.
she was near silver madness from looking out frost's window,
so today, breaks the light, of golden fruit, of lemonade stands.
The dog slides his nervous tail, hides behind
Now the white cloud jumps twice round the rooftop,
like a circular phantom of her last cold breath.
she was near silver madness from looking out frost's window,
so today, breaks the light, of golden fruit, of lemonade stands.
The dog slides his nervous tail, hides behind
her cool aide covered legs, and get's locked
in bubble wrap. The pup stirring with his tail
tucked under and above the popping. She smiles,
and lavenders my cool blues, of soon to be green.
Her gloves move a tea cup, then a rag doll,
which turns her porcelain face into a blurring smile
A bronze mirror behind the window, frames her body.
she moves now, waiting for my return at the end of a warm day.
Her gloves move a tea cup, then a rag doll,
which turns her porcelain face into a blurring smile
A bronze mirror behind the window, frames her body.
she moves now, waiting for my return at the end of a warm day.
Jeff, I think this draft has some interesting potential but I was distracted by the need for clarification. For one, who is the speaker? What is there relationship to the environment they are describing?
ReplyDeleteAnother instance that begs for clarification was the pronoun usage. I was confused by the he, her, and she. Is the dog the only animal in this scene or are there other creatures? I felt as if there was either another dog/puppy or a human being, but I wasn't sure.
I was also confused on the progression of time in the draft, though I really liked the image of the cloud jumping in the first stanza. It almost reminded me of nursery rhyme or children's story. Was this planned? If not, perhaps taking one of those themes and giving the reader something unexpected or just slightly horrifying would be an interesting turn of events. If you went that route, I think you could make a whole different use for the rag doll. In this idyllic setting, how could the rag doll become terrifying? Or what would happen if the dog rips apart the rag doll?
Not sure if this helps but I would like to see where you can take this draft.
Self correction: What is THEIR relationship to the environment they are describing?
ReplyDelete(That's what happens when a kid is talking to you while you are trying to type a response.)