Friday, November 5, 2010

Poem Draft Wk 12

 Hunting for my Bird Dog

Brown clouds jump the rock city and winter leaves
ice resting or melting. Rutgers Church bells stop my drums
and quiets rumbling windows in pace of time:

I ride down the Ansonia laundry shoot like
a sullen lark in the cage or a lonely ghost
near the bath house. I grab some half-daisies
from the vacant Korean grocery, with isles of Alpo
that the cat lady buys for her puppy, I hope.

Near the Subway, bubble wrap snaps on the pavement,
while, I notice the smell of wet brownstone mixing
with my bamboo stick. I open it for a dry walk.
Floating under the stick, hunting for brighter days.

I enter the corner of Strawberry Fields. The lonely Met,
stays lonely for another day. I will leave cloisters, stranded-
hipsters, hustlers and ball players and head instead
to a memorial of weeds and incense on spayed
plastic flowers.

I hear a car horn, or music, or barking. It is hard to tell,
when gum covers the sound of every bald cypress tree.

I enter the empty field of Frisbees on a far too chilly day
and flock towards one behind bones. Suddenly, the sunlamp
turns on, and my synthetic bamboo slide closes to reveal, real men 
in gloves moving a Japanese Dogwood.

Meanwhile, back at studio B, a hot carmel coffee sits in my lap.
and my filthy hands cup it. Skynyrd plays on the 8-track, as worthless
treasures lie at my feet. The city was covered in plastic, but I am still looking
for my bird dog, back home in Alabama.

1 comment:

  1. Jeff,

    Once again, great display of interesting language-often appears effortless, spontaneous. Bizarre "stream-of-consciousness" phrases abound: "I open it for a dry walk" , "Brown clouds jump the rock city," etc..

    The last lines of the piece seem absolutely integral to its basic surface level understanding. It's where we learn what's unique about this walk through NYC--the speaker, who we learn hails from, presumably a rural area in Alabama, feels largely displaced and alien in this huge, bustling city. It's fantastic material to work with, and you do an amazing job of maintaining a sense of place, while also maintaining this dizzying sense of "a city abuzz" (the rapid cataloging of places, sights).

    However, I find certain moments in the draft that undermine its surface level logic--especially considering what we learn in its final lines. In fact, I am not even sure if the reader is given enough information to infer that this speaker feels out of place in this setting. Sure, we can see that this speaker is possibly lonely in this big ol' city, for he's described as "a sullen lark in a cage, or a lonely ghost near the bath house." Similarly, he walks down the rainy streets " hunting for brighter days." For all we know, this speaker was born here. Thus, the revelation the last lines hold seem far too abrupt...

    Dr. Davidson-- in a draft I submitted to him this week (the latest one on my blog)--noticed a similar "abrupt" revelation. He suggested that I include that 'abrupt' throughout the draft. In other words, " de-abrupting" it.... ha (sorry).

    I'd suggest for you do follow that advice. Here are some questions to ask yourself that might be helpful in future revisions:

    * Is there anything in this big city that makes the the speaker think of "back home"?
    * Feeling alien, or out of place--is there anything he pines for? Mother's cooking, the wide open spaces, fishing etc...
    * any way to play up dialogue? I know your pretty adept at including multiple voicing in your work. A friend of mine moved here from Canada. When he first got to Georgia, he couldn't understand a word anyone was saying... seems like inability to communicate would be an enormous alienating factor...

    Hope this helps, Jeff.

    ReplyDelete