response to journals week 6

Thanks to Rachel for her writing and taking time to improve this little poem.

Revision with help from Rachel. Thanks!



New Moon Closet Case
The relentless moon wants rainbows,

but finds no bed with this gothic company.

a Blue Dog bites at his tween's cliffhanger.

Trite vampires recline against soggy old leather brains,

and werewolves are galvanic with the reinvention of a dark youth.

His smiling fantasy shape shifts the sphere into a fiery night light.

The father brushes of his intellect

opens the burning sheeting,

and reads witlessly.

He feels no guilt in this carnage, as all are at rest (in bed).

Here is a prime example of how a little peer revision can improve  our poems.

I am especially grateful when someone offers up advice by rearranging my lines.

as I learn best by example.   Rachel points out, with a few revised lines of her own, that the poem had too much passive language. Making the verses more active improves them greatly.

  It still is not finished  It lacks a strong sense of place, but it has begun to take on action.
Action is something I always enjoy in a poem. Thanks Rachel. I will take some time to look at your journal again to see how this exercise worked out for you, and give some response.